3 Tips on Writing the Opposite Gender

In a long since trashed draft of Keepers of the Nine (only those of you who are veterans on this blog will know what I’m talking about XD), my main character had a breakdown. Actually, he had many, but this was the worst. Allow me to show you a very cringe-worthy snippet of what I mean.

They made good time into the mountains that day. By evening they had found shelter in a grove of visžalis situated in the middle of a saddle between two rugged peaks. A dark cluster of clouds to the west gave Lytt qualms about being on a mountain, but Rebere was willing to bet that they would pass the Keepers by.

Since there were only four of them, Rebere took first watch by himself. He sat and stared at the flames of their small campfire, then stood and walked out of the trees, intending to pace. Without thinking, he tilted his head upward to the stars.

He didn’t deserve to behold so much beauty.

Thousands upon thousands of twinkling lights glowed with a light more pure than anything on VaSerBo. Big and small, bright and dim, clustered and solitary, they dusted the navy canvas of night with their radiance. The sliver of night moon couldn’t shed enough light to weaken the white glow the stars shed on the world. There were so many of them that the spiked tops of the visžalis trees were blackened silhouettes against their brilliance. The cold mountain air nearly frosted Rebere’s breath as it quickened.

He sank to his knees in the grass, twining the blades around his fingers. It was so vast, and quiet, and peaceful, and majestic, and just…

Amazing.

There was really no other word to describe it. The simple gloriousness of the nighttime heavens slammed into Rebere’s blackened soul like an arrow. He was so filthy. So impure. So unworthy.

Why me?

He didn’t know who he was talking to. He just hurled the thought at the stars as if willing them to part like a curtain and usher them to the person behind them.

Why did I get this job? Why this dirty person who’s done more things wrong than the rest of the world? Why do I get a power? Why do I get these friends? Why do I get these hardships? Why didn’t I die instead of my sister or Indarra?

WHY ME?!

He was crying now. Tears wet his cheeks and dribbled off his chin as he broke under the sheer beauty of the stars. He let himself sob, let himself grieve for the friend he’d lost, for the sister who still haunted him, for the heart he had that wasn’t nearly as hardened as he led everyone to believe.

None of the Keepers knew what he had done. Those who did had encouraged him in his crimes. None of the Keepers knew who his family was. Those who did shunned him. None of the Keepers knew who he really was. And the truth was… Rebere was afraid to tell them.

I can’t, he thought. If they knew, they’d never trust me again. They’d cast me out. And then we’d be short yet another Keeper.

Why had Lady Kalite chosen him? He was certain the nosy old woman knew everything about him - she seemed like the kind of person who did her research on others. Didn’t she know that the hangman’s noose awaited his throat, or that the only reason he wasn’t where he was born was because he’d thought he could find his sister? The sister whose body hadn’t been in the cart with Miresia’s? Had she known that the reason the body wasn’t there was because his sister had turned? Had broken?

But did he really blame Elatre?

Rebere let out a shuddering breath, forcing himself to quell his tears before someone found him. He glanced up at the stars, but quickly let his head hang again, feeling too worthless to even behold their glory.

There’s more, but I’ll spare you. XD

This was a major scene in my deciding to stop writing KOTN. My beta and alpha readers had pointed out many times before that Rebere (my MC) was rather girlish and overly emotional, but I mostly ignored that in favor of keeping a character I could relate to. Looking back, I realize they were right.

Writing characters of the opposite gender can be hard, especially if you aren’t around the opposite gender much - and especially if those you are around are a very different age than the character you’re trying to write. If you feel like you have it in the bag, you may want to find a beta reader of the opposite gender and ask them what they think. If you think there’s no way you’ll ever be able to write the opposite gender well, then maybe you should do your research. It is possible. Just not easy.

I’m no expert on this subject. My male characters still have elements of unrealisticness that need to be fixed - and you saw for yourself what my writing used to be like. But I have picked up a few useful tips and tricks, some that you may find helpful as well, whether you’re writing guys or girls.

1. Ask Questions

This is by far one of the most helpful ways to learn about writing the opposite gender. Make yourself a list of questions and find someone to ask. This can be a little daunting, especially if you don’t have immediate family members or decently close friends who are the opposite gender, but it’s worth it. Ask them what they’d do in certain situations. Find out how their brains work, how they deal with emotions. Learn the types of things they’d die for and the types of things they’d die to stay away from. If you’re comfortable with it, you could even ask them to beta read your book - or even just a snippet from your book - and give you their thoughts on specifically the opposite gendered characters. This is a great way to get your questions answered quickly and honestly.

2. Observe

Writers have the reputation for being people-stalkers - and it’s not wrong. One of my favorite things to do as a writer is go sit in a public place and just watch people interact. Maybe it’s mildly creepy, but it’s certainly a useful skill to have.

If you don’t have much practice observing people, maybe it’s time to learn. Find a public place and listen to the people around you, especially those of the opposite gender. Take notes - mental or otherwise - on how they are interacting with the people around them. What is their tone like? How much do they laugh? Is there a certain person they’re more tense with? How much do they touch other people, and in what way? Pushing and elbowing, or more loving things like hugs or a hand on the shoulder? If someone walks by you who is clearly frustrated, why do you think that is? How do the guys you observe act differently than the girls?

You don’t have to go out and purposefully stalk for this to work, either. Keep your eyes peeled for how your family and friends act on a normal day-to-day basis. See if you can catch any hints as to the opposite gender’s mindset. Watch how they deal with different situations. And if you find something interesting that you don’t understand, ask about it to get clarification. Occasionally you’ll even stumble upon a situation that’s so similar to one in your book that you’ll be able to watch it play out before your eyes without even orchestrating anything.

For example, here’s a list of things I’ve learned from observing family, friends, and strangers:

1. Guys trash talk each other all the time. I’m pretty sure this should become the sixth love language. For whatever reason, guys seem to find calling each other idiots, losers, and tearing each other down in other ways endearing. Don’t ask me why. XD

2. Guys - especially teenage and middle school ones - tend to be physically destructive. If they see a ball, they are most likely going to throw it. Was it meant to be thrown? Maybe. Will they break something? Also maybe. Would they aim for their best friend’s head? Absolutely. XD

3. Guys are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for. Some guys may seem awfully shallow, but they actually do have brains underneath all the crazy. Guys tend to hide their thoughts and feelings more than girls, so it may seem like they think about nothing but sports, food, and cars. But from what I’ve observed, they have questions about life and God and deep stuff like that just as much as us girls - they’re just more likely to try and figure it out on their own rather than with help.

See what I mean? And that’s just a snippet of what I gathered from a month at camp, much less my whole life.

3. Do Your Research

There’s a lot of stuff out there on the differences between guys and girls. From statistics to memes to people spilling their guts, you can find all sorts of interesting stuff. For instance, did you know that when guys don’t like each other, they will straight up just tell one another or fight it out and then be best buds? Girls are way more likely to present a fake friendship, then gossip and slander one another behind each other’s backs. Guys tear one another down physically - girls do mentally and emotionally. Guys are more up-front, girls are sneakier.

This is where personality typing can come in handy as well. Some types are more likely to show up in males (ENTJ, for example), while others are much more common in females (ISFJ). Learning the cognitive functions behind these can give you some generalized guidelines to writing your character more realistically, regardless of gender.

Why it Matters

You may find yourself asking why in the world it’s so important to portray the opposite gender accurately. After all, if you’re writing for girls, won’t most of them not notice the few inaccuracies with your male charries? Or, if you’re writing for boys, who will care that your female charries are missing a few realistic pieces?

I’m not going to go into a whole lot of detail on these, but I came up with three reasons it matters.

1) Writing falls into the “whatever you do, do it for the glory of God” category. So do your absolute best with your work, because you’re doing it for God and not for men (Colossians 3:23-24).

2) There are definitely readers who will recognize the issues and put down your book because of it. Careful with your assumptions about what readers will notice and what they won’t. Most are pretty eagle-eyed.

3) I could go on another rant about how much our media impacts culture, and how your portrayal of characters will affect your readers’ view of the genders. But I won’t do that to you again. Suffice it to say, writing is teaching whether or not you’re intending it to be. So make sure you’re teaching accurately (James 3:1).

Something to Remember

Humanity is about as varied as it gets. There are no hard-and-fast rules for writing the opposite gender, no tricks that will solve all your problems. Why? Because some boys are more like girls and some girls are more like boys - and some are just not like their gender norms but not like the other gender norms either. There are exceptions upon exceptions upon exceptions. But this post was meant to help you find common patterns and use them to build a unique character off of.

Ultimately, the best guide to whether or not your opposite-gendered characters are realistic is your readers. If you’re a guy writing girls, pay attention to the feedback your female readers give you, or your male readers with a lot of experience with females. Same for the girls. Pay attention to what the guys say. Humble yourself and accept correction if you need it, but also be aware that not everyone knows what they’re talking about. Weigh every opinion thoughtfully. Ask God to reveal holes in your story. And ultimately, remember that writing is a journey riddled with mistakes, and that’s ok. As Dory would say if she were an author, “Just keep writing.” ;P

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So what do you think? Do you find writing the opposite gender easy or difficult? What are some of your best tips for writing them? What are your favorite examples of an author writing an opposite-gendered character well? Have you ever people-stalked in public? I want all the stories. >:)

Until next time,

Take courage, pursue Christ, and smile while you still have teeth!! >:)

-Joelle